Hope for Baby Bennett: I choose peace...

Monday, July 22, 2013

I choose peace...

One week from today, we will be handing our baby boy over for his 4th open-heart surgery. God willing, at this time next week, we will be breathing a sigh of relief, moving from anticipation into recovery.

For some reason, crossing the one week out mark changes things. It feels so much more real now, so much closer to crunch time.

It would be so easy...

So easy to choose fear.

So easy to allow the anxiety to creep in, to take over. As I told Dusk today, I'm pretty sure my anxiety is so far off the charts it's found its way to someone else's chart!

So easy to fixate on everything that can go wrong, and that list, as any heart mom will tell you, is a mighty long one, my friends.

So easy to forget how far our miracle boy has come.

Just...so easy to dwell on the sadness and the fears...

But this week, instead, I will choose better...

I choose PEACE, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I choose FAITH that my God, who knows the number of beautiful blonde hairs on my son's head and provides for the tiniest of sparrows, will meet my son's every need in that OR.

I choose TO STAND FIRM in the promises of my God, that He will sit beside Dusk and I in that waiting room, and will calm our anxious hearts.

I choose to CAST MY CARES at His feet and ask him to take my worries from me.

I choose JOY, to follow my son's lead and enjoy every minute we have together, living life to the fullest, praising God and thanking Him for his provision for our son for the past 4 years.

This week, I choose better.

It's been a long time since we've had to do this, this trusting in God for the absolutely unthinkable (it's been almost 3 years since Bodie's last surgery). We're a little out of practice. Please be in prayer for our family this week, that Dusk and I can stay in the space of choosing peace and not fear.

6 comments:

AnonymousJuly 23, 2013 at 12:35 AM
God Bless....<3 Sending love to Bodie.
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KatieJuly 23, 2013 at 7:34 AM
My prayers are with you! I remember feeling the exact same way, almost like a total rookie going into Maddie's Fontan. I love your attitude and those little pep-talks you're giving yourself will make a huge difference in a week. Thanks for sharing your heart and faith!
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The Smith'sJuly 23, 2013 at 1:43 PM
There is no way around it, right? It's always a choice. And that fear will try to creep in, but you have to choose over and over again to trust. Thank you for sharing your heart and Bodie and all of you are in our prayers! We have another dear friend having his Fontan next Friday and LPCH. Both boys will rock it!
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KristenJuly 25, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Sending positives thoughts and prayers your way. I remember feeling the very same way. I think for some reason choosing peace over fear gets a little easier with the subsequent surgeries. Never gets easy, but there is something about the familiarity of it all that makes it more peaceful, I think. Maybe we just get better at blocking out the anxietites and trusting in a higher power. Wishing you peace, Kristen @ One in 1 Hundred
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VeronicaJuly 26, 2013 at 5:11 AM
I pray I will do the same when it is our turn! That was beautifully said Amy. So many will be praying for Bodie! He's going to do so great.
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NicoleOctober 25, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Our son has HLHS and we just got word that it's time to move forward with the Fontan. We adopted him after the Glenn so this will be my first round with open heart surgery. We have a 6 year old and I'm an over planner so I'm teetering between freaking out and being ready to get it going. I'm glad to have your blog to read to see what is on the horizon. Thank you for writing.
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The Chosen Mothers by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy." "Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it." "I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you." No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps -"Selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side." "And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."