Monday, April 8, 2013

Strength in my weakness

I'm really good at "being fine," at being strong, at staying positive. And I think the blog generally reflects that. 

But this isn't a fine post, a strong post, a positive post. This is a post about being a mom, about facing the unthinkably scary unknown with a medically fragile child. Because today, I don't feel strong. And, if I'm being really, truly honest, there's nothing fine, strong or positive about sending your child into open-heart surgery. Sure, God willing, Bodie will emerge stronger, better. But there's this big huge horrible obstacle between now and stronger, better. And, try as I might, I just can't get fine or even remotely ok with it.

Last night, Bodie and I were reading Zip-Line for the 100th time (a cute kid's book written about open-heart surgery - if that's not an oxymoron, I don't know what is - suffice it to say, being a heart parent changes your perspective, I suppose). Anyway, we got to the page where she comes back from surgery with lots of tubes and wires. After getting all excited about "2 pulse oxes, mommy!!!," Bodie said this to me - 

"mommy, I don't like the tubes and wires. They hurt. But you'll give me my binkie. And that it'll be over really fast and it'll be ok!" 

And I literally had to turn my head away from him so that he wouldn't see me crying. And all I could think was why do we have to put him through this again? and how am I going to explain it to him?  (although we have always referred generally to this surgery (and Sierra openly talks about it being this summer), we haven't gotten into any specifics with Bodie yet - everything I had read says to wait until about a week before so that he doesn't get too anxious). It is hard to explain how much it hurts my heart as a parent to know we'll be putting him through unthinkable pain and it won't be overwith fast and there won't be anything I can do but be by his side and try and love him through it. Mommies are supposed to make everything better and I won't be able to. It's just not fair.

But that's not what scares me the most. I know we can get through that part together. No matter how bad that part is, once we're home, we'll work through it and life will eventually return to normal. As long as we have us, as long as, at the end of the day, Dusk and I have our little boy, our little silly sweet boy, we can get through anything. It's the fear that, at the end of the day, we might not have that when this surgery is said and done. I don't voice that concern very often, because, let's face it, it's hard enough to even let my mind go there, let alone voice the concern.

But that's where my mind is at. This journey is so tough and I honestly wouldn't wish this part on anyone. THANK GOD the whole journey isn't like this, that Bodie's journey has been amazing thus far and the incredibly good moments have so far outweighed the bad I can't even tell you. But, this is where my heart is at right now, and I imagine it will continue to bounce back and forth between peace and this dark place between now and mid-July.

So, I'm asking for prayers for Bodie, for Sierra, for Dusk and I in the weeks and months ahead. Pray for more moments of peace and less moments of letting the fear, sadness and worry creep in. Prayers that we might take our fears captive and turn them over to God, the ONLY one who can bring us peace amidst the fears.

This morning, on my run, the song "Blessed be your name" came on my Pandora station and it totally made me smile, to know that, even in the midst of my morning run, God was meeting me where I was and sending me a moment of peace. I remembered singing this song in church when Dusk and I were newlyweds, praising Him for the blessings of a new husband and a life together. And I remembered singing it after we suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, singing it with tears streaming down my face, praising him through the pain and confusion, thanking Him for having a plan when we couldn't see it. And this morning, I sang it on my run, praising him through the fear and the darkness, through the uncertainty.

Please pray alongside me that God continues to minister to our family, bringing us subtle reminders to trust in Him and lean on Him, and praise Him whether in the easy, light parts of this path He has asked us to walk, or the darker scary parts. 

Blessed by Your Name 
(by Matt Redman)

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


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6 comments:

  1. Of course I cried all the way through this as well. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling right now. I let my mind "go there" as well when thinking about the multiple surgeries Hunter has to endure in his lifetime. I cannot even imagine him being able to ask questions and voice his feelings/concerns. I pray for your strength to get through this. I had SVT as a kid and had an ablation at age 10. I NEVER remember feeling any nervousness from my mom, ever. I asked her when we were in the storm with Hunter how she stayed so strong and she told me she prayed hard that she would be strong in front of me.... and would break down away from me. You all are absolutely amazing, Amy. Here for you always

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  2. Dear Amy,
    There is no way to keep from being afraid. You certainly know where to go for strength. I am afraid also, and I'm just a great-aunt. One thing you can count on is a great circle of prayer warriors interceding for Bodie, and for you, Dusk, and Sierra. Thank God for those who are able to put our feelings into great songs, which give so much comfort.
    Aunt Joanne

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  3. Amy...you are a woman of SUCH AMAZING vulnerability, strength and gratitude for all the things God has given you. I literally can't even imagine the depth of despair that comes right along with the positive mental thinking and praying. It's like the two go hand in hand. I have zero advice, absolutely zero, but something that has helped me through infertility and adoption (which is hard but this is a way different kind of hard...)is remembering God only asks us for mustard seed sized faith. apparently that is the smallest size seed on the planet. And it's a good thing, because there were and still are a lot of days I can hardly rally for that. I love you and will stand in the gap for you on the days where you are filled with worry. And i will keep praying. and you know you have a LOT , a LOT of people in your "amen corner" and will be there for all of you through this. i wish i lived there and could hug you or run next to you on the treadmill and cry with you at 530am. XOXOXO
    Heather

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  4. Always, always, ALWAYS holding your family close in my prayers Amy. I completely get where you are at with your emotions leading up to Bodie's surgery. Having been through three heart surgeries already with Logan, knowing that more are to come in the future, I know what you mean when you say you are used to being "fine" all the time and how that definition of fine drastically changes when the "S" word is hanging over your head. It's ok to be afraid and it's ok to admit it. He is your precious little boy. The one that makes you laugh, keeps you on your toes, tells you he loves you and smothers you with kisses and hugs each day. It's not easy knowing what he is going to endure and it for sure is unfair knowing that you have to be the one to put him through it. I'm here for you anytime my friend. {{{{HUG}}}} <3

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  5. Your Faith in God will carry Bodie succesfully through this surgery! Wait and see. When I'm feeling scared and vulnerable I read this scripture
    So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV

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  6. I truly believe in the healing hand of our Heavenly Father in Heaven! I know he has Amazing plans for Bodie when he gets old! I will put in a prayer request at my church. Prayer is powerful!!

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