My heart is SO unsettled these days. I can feel it everywhere. I look at pictures of sweet Travis DiCarlo on the one-year anniversary of his passing and I feel my heart tighten. I watch my sweet boy struggle to catch his breath and his baby lips turning a deeper shade of purple seemingly by the day, and my mind fixates. I am watching, waiting, for something to happen. Will we have the Fontan this summer? Can he make it to next summer? What if we do? What if we don't? What if he's NOT a Fontan candidate? What if he IS? What if we push for it this summer, before he's really ready weight-wise...and something goes wrong? What if we don't push...and he ends up needing it during cold and flu season...and something goes wrong?
I was making his birthday cake on Thursday and Dusk asked me why we didn't use Icing Smiles again. I responded that I didn't think we needed to this year because our lives are so "normal" these days, but that I was sure we would next year...and I caught my breath and looked at him. I knew my fear was mirrored in his eyes "what if there's NOT a next year? What if this is the last birthday we celebrate with our son?" This is where my heart is at these days. I AM A MESS.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. I'm sure it's partly celebrating Bodie's birthday, which is such an amazing milestone, and being reminded, as most of us are, of the passage of time and the mortality of all of us. It's knowing that we're closer to Bodie's Fontan than to his Glenn - we can no longer pretend it's going to happen "someday." It's our recent struggle to get his high heart rate down. I know it's remembering Travis, and the hopes and dreams his parents had for him. It's the unbelievable amount of babies we've lost in the CHD community only recently. And I'm sure the fact that Dusk is scheduled for his pacemaker/ICD surgery Tuesday isn't helping matters any.
I know God is in control. I know HIS HAND is on my son always, and most of the time, my heart is ok with that. My heart gets it. Whatever happens on this earth is just temporary, just a fraction of the time we'll spend together in eternity. And most of the time I'm ok with that. But sometimes I'm not. Sometimes, the fact that I'm only human and this is my son I'm talking about takes over. And I wrestle. And I cry. And I worry. I worry that God, in His divine wisdom, has a different plan than I do. And I worry more.
Today, we covet your prayer. We ask you to pray for the DiCarlos, who wrestle with the angelversary of sweet Travis. Please take a few minutes to go over to their blog and let them know you're thinking about and praying for them today. And please pray for us. Pray for settled hearts. Pray for peace about our son and his future. Pray for daily reminders that God has this all in His control. And pray that Dusk's surgery goes off without a hitch on Tuesday. Thank you as always!