Sunday, February 19, 2012

Unsettled

My heart is SO unsettled these days. I can feel it everywhere. I look at pictures of sweet Travis DiCarlo on the one-year anniversary of his passing and I feel my heart tighten. I watch my sweet boy struggle to catch his breath and his baby lips turning a deeper shade of purple seemingly by the day, and my mind fixates. I am watching, waiting, for something to happen. Will we have the Fontan this summer? Can he make it to next summer? What if we do? What if we don't? What if he's NOT a Fontan candidate? What if he IS? What if we push for it this summer, before he's really ready weight-wise...and something goes wrong? What if we don't push...and he ends up needing it during cold and flu season...and something goes wrong? 

I was making his birthday cake on Thursday and Dusk asked me why we didn't use Icing Smiles again. I responded that I didn't think we needed to this year because our lives are so "normal" these days, but that I was sure we would next year...and I caught my breath and looked at him. I knew my fear was mirrored in his eyes "what if there's NOT a next year? What if this is the last birthday we celebrate with our son?" This is where my heart is at these days. I AM A MESS.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. I'm sure it's partly celebrating Bodie's birthday, which is such an amazing milestone, and being reminded, as most of us are, of the passage of time and the mortality of all of us. It's knowing that we're closer to Bodie's Fontan than to his Glenn - we can no longer pretend it's going to happen "someday." It's our recent struggle to get his high heart rate down. I know it's remembering Travis, and the hopes and dreams his parents had for him.  It's the unbelievable amount of babies we've lost in the CHD community only recently. And I'm sure the fact that Dusk is scheduled for his pacemaker/ICD surgery Tuesday isn't helping matters any.

I know God is in control. I know HIS HAND is on my son always, and most of the time, my heart is ok with that. My heart gets it. Whatever happens on this earth is just temporary, just a fraction of the time we'll spend together in eternity. And most of the time I'm ok with that. But sometimes I'm not. Sometimes, the fact that I'm only human and this is my son I'm talking about takes over. And I wrestle. And I cry. And I worry. I worry that God, in His divine wisdom, has a different plan than I do. And I worry more. 

Today, we covet your prayer. We ask you to pray for the DiCarlos, who wrestle with the angelversary of sweet Travis. Please take a few minutes to go over to their blog and let them know you're thinking about and praying for them today. And please pray for us. Pray for settled hearts. Pray for peace about our son and his future. Pray for daily reminders that God has this all in His control. And pray that Dusk's surgery goes off without a hitch on Tuesday. Thank you as always!

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15 comments:

  1. (((hugs))) I just can't imagine Amy, I can't, but send lots of love.

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  2. Your family will be in our prayers, Amy. If you need help with anything while Dusk is recovering, please don't hesitate to ask ♥

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  3. Just getting caught up on your past couple weeks...Praying for you all. I know your heart's cry well. Praying for His peace and love to shower down =) Hugs!! And Happy Birthday sweet Bodie!

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  4. Amy, you are such an amazing friend and mother! I can tell you that no matter the amount of worry and stress you suffer, it doesn't stop bad things from happening...you just have to try to enjoy each and every day like you do and not take anything for granted. I'm so glad I smothered Wyatt in love and kisses at every opportunity and took so many pictures.

    Keeping you and your fam in my T&P always! <3

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  5. sweet sister-friend. despite being wrapped up in my own little world, busy with settling into the house (still), and trying to manage all the details of a still hectic and frustrating life, please KNOW that i carry you with me daily, in prayer and in praise, snuggled in my heart. i miss you and love you.

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  6. Oh Amy, my heart hurts for you. I know exactly how you're feeling. As the Fontan came closer for us I felt the same way. I felt like I was dragging my feet for the inevitable. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers friend! (((Hugs))

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  7. {{{HUG}}} Amy it is always such a struggle some days with those same thoughts. Praying for all of you!

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  8. You have all my heart...my heart is feeling for you as I read your honest words (and I'm crying with you). Trusting God, when you know what Faith really is - it's such a difficult place to stand... my heart to you as you live in a place of really knowing what it means to have Faith. My prayers and care are so with you. I love your Bodie and am _so_ glad I met him in person and got to spend time with him. Both Bodie and Serria - I'm so glad I met them and I'm so glad I know you - so I can pray for Bodie with you! <3 My prayers are with you and Dusk this week too!

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  9. Oh girl, I am crying for you and will be praying for you a lot! Thank you for sharing with honesty where you are, you're such a great mommy for your sweet little boy!

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