As I am racing around the house today, doing laundry, cleaning, getting ready for my in-laws to come and stay with us for a week to help with Sierra (thank you, by the way!), paying bills, and basically doing any other activity to keep my mind occupied and not thinking about tomorrow, this phrase keeps running through my mind...
I DON'T WANT TO send my sweet innocent happy little boy into surgery again.
I DON'T WANT TO kiss him goodbye as the anesthesiologist wheels him down the hall behind doors I'm not allowed behind.
I DON'T WANT TO pace the halls of the CTICU Parent Pod waiting for an update, any update on how our little fighter is doing.
I DON'T WANT TO see our little man, again on a ventilator, with chest tubes and central lines.
I DON'T WANT TO wait for the results of hourly blood gasses to tell me whether our little man is continuing to beat the odds yet again.
I DON'T WANT TO look at his sweet little face full of the pain and pressure of the dreaded "Glenn Headaches."
I DON'T WANT TO leave my sweet little girl at home again for an indeterminate amount of time while I sit at Bodie's bedside.
I DON'T WANT TO have to choose between my children again.
So I stand, stomp my foot and say I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO.
And then I realize I sound an awful lot like a temper-tantrum throwing 3 year old. (As luck would have it, I am very well versed in exactly what that sounds like these days!) And I am reminded that as Sierra brings her temper tantrums to me because she cannot understand why I am guiding her a certain way, I am bringing my temper tantrums to my heavenly father, because I cannot understand why he is guiding my family a certain way. God loves us with a perfect love that we, as humans, cannot even begin to fathom. We love Bodie with an imperfect love, but God loves us with an unbelievably perfect love. And I am reminded that when we decided last October to give our child life, we knew this path wouldn't be easy. God never promised us an easy journey, only that He would be with us every step of the way. THIS is the journey he has chosen for our child, for our family. And tomorrow's surgery is the next step in that journey. God has brought us to Children's and to Dr. Starnes - and we know tomorrow when we hand our child over again, God will also be in that operating room. Our task, as parents, is to walk this path with as much grace, dignity and trust in Him as we can muster. And I am reminded of our constant prayers when we first found out about Bodie's diagnosis.
"Lord, please use this child for your good. Give us peace and use this child's journey to honor you and bring others to you. Our greatest prayer is that you would be glorified through our lives and the life of this child."
As we stand on the precipice of the next step of this journey, we are again praying for peace and that God would be glorified through our son. Please join us in praying for both of those things tomorrow.